Seven Deadly Sins
by Jack Of Some Trades
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale get thoroughly hammered and discuss Heaven's hypocrisy and Hell's idiocy.


_**Disclaimer: Good Omens is the property of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. How can you tell that I'm not them? They're good.**_

  


"Lust. Greed. Gluttony, and... er... Anger. Sloth. Envy. Er... I can never remember the last one. Lust? No, had that one."

  


"Pride. That's the big one. Got Lucifer chucked out, Pride did. Don't see what's so bad about most of 'em, myself."

  


"Well... they must be bad, otherwise they wouldn't be the Deadlier Sins, now would they? Top me off, would you, dear? Ah, thank you."

  


"I dunno. Maybe He's just cooled off in His old age, but He's not coming down as heavily as He used to."

  


"Why d'you mean? Er... what d'you say that?"

  


"Well, look at you. Put you anywhere near a book, you've Greed. 'N'Envy, if you can't get it."

  


"Well that's just... I can't help that, s'how I am."

  


"Ah! 'At's my point, right, right, my point, right? It's that. You can't very well stop yourself from cov... coverin... coven... from wantin' the bloody things, now can you?"

  


"Oh, shut up."

  


"There you go again! Anger. 'At's another bloody stupid rule. God used to be angry most of the time, if I recall correctly."

  


"That's the... wossname... righteous anger, though. You c'n be righteous all you like."

  


"_I_ can't, they'd kick me out of Hell. Or into. 'M not sure how they do it if you get all... heavenly and whatnot."

  


"Hmm."

  


"What?"

  


"Nothin'. Didn't we have a bottle of wine here a mo, moment ago?"

  


"You drank t'all."

  


"I never did not!"

  


"You did too, you said, 'Top me off dear,' you said, and then it was empty."

  


"Oh."

  


"Now, what was you hmming about?"

  


"I don't 'member. Something about demons."

  


"Sober up, maybe then you will."

  


"I'm not going to be sober alone, it's... lonely."

  


"Fine. I'll do it too, as well. Ahhh. I hate doing that."

  


"Ah. Right. I remember now. We were talking about what they'd do if you were acting heavenly."

  


"Right...?"

  


"I was thinking that maybe if angels can still fall, what's stopping a demon from rising?"

  


"Well, off the top of my head, you've got the Pride. We're very Proud creatures, demons. And we question things. That gets us in trouble."

  


"So are humans, and God lets them in."

  


"Well how do you be righteously angry, anyway? I don't recall getting a pamphlet when I Fell. Or... Tripped, at any rate."

  


"I suppose righteous anger is... being angry when you have a right to be."

  


"But if you're angry, you always think you have a right to be angry. Because you're angry."

  


"Being angry at someone who deserves it, then. Like a demon."

  


"..."

  


"Oh, sorry dear."

  


"No, not that. I spend a lot of time being angry at Hastur and Ligur. That's righteous, is it?"

  


"I suppose."

  


"And Satan spends a lot of time being angry at me, so would that be righteous?"

  


"Hmm. Perhaps we need a narrower definition."

  


"You know what's always confused me? Sloth. I don't even have to tempt them to do that. They just... do."

  


"Yes, Sloth is rather confusing. I suppose if they're not doing anything, they're not doing anything good."

  


"But they're not doing anything bad, either."

  


"You're right there, I suppose."

  


"And what about Gluttony? Most of America is going to Hell if being fat is a sin. And look how many chubby nuns you have."

  


"All right, I admit you have a point there."

  


"But what really, really confuses me, is Lust."

  


"Well, Lust leads to rape, and sodomy, and... incest..."

  


"Oh come on. You know you don't care about sodomy any more than I do. And In the Beginning, everything was incest. You couldn't go two feet without bumping into someone who was their own bloody grandfather. Besides, if not for Lust, there wouldn't be any bloody _Homo sapiens _at all."

  


"Sometimes you have to wonder if the whole ineffability was thought out properly."

  


"You read my mind. Now, enough of this whole sobriety sillyness. Hand me that bottle of wine on your shelf, Angel."


End file.
